RED DAWN IN PARADISE
A Photographer’s Survival Story,
In Gratitude to All Who are Helping
By Erin Babnik
RED DAWN IN PARADISE
A Photographer’s Survival Story,
In Gratitude to All Who are Helping
By Erin Babnik
My new rental house in Paradise before and after the “Camp Fire.”
One week after moving my home and photography business from Berkeley to Paradise, California, my new rental house and everything in it burned to the ground. I escaped with the clothes on my back and a few other items. At the time of writing, 88 people from Paradise are confirmed dead, 25 are still missing, more than 19,000 buildings have been destroyed, and all 27,000 Paradise residents have lost their town. Every survivor of this tragic and traumatic event has a story. This is mine.
Escape from Paradise
A video still from the later part of my evacuation, when I was finally moving, after hours of being stuck in gridlocked traffic.
A video still from the time when I was trapped in traffic. This video and other clips are in a compilation on my YouTube channel
My view while trapped in gridlocked traffic was horrific, with burning homes and business on both sides of the road.
Walls of flames ravaged the land in every direction when I hit the first stretch of open road since leaving my house. As I changed lanes to avoid burning debris, a powerful wave of heat pushed its way into the car, raising the interior temperature dramatically within seconds, an unforgettably scary sensation. The air in every direction was a constantly evolving maelstrom of thick smoke and swirling embers, but seeing hints of open sky in the distance brought great relief after hours of evacuating through the pitch black world that existed beneath the fire’s shroud.
Although this last part of the escape was frightening, it was an enormous improvement over the two and a half hours that had preceded it. At least with the traffic finally moving, reaching safety was a matter of exercising control rather than being at the mercy of circumstances. Years of wilderness experience and medical training have instilled in me a certain level of confidence that kicks in whenever I find myself in emergency situations, but that frame of mind comes largely from knowing that I have the power to do something effective. Participating in two mountain rescues and surviving numerous scrapes with danger has shown me that I almost instinctively remain calm and focused so long as I know that my actions can make a difference.
During the majority of this ordeal, however, I had no control over the situation whatsoever, and it was a uniquely terrifying experience. The closest that I have ever come to panicking under pressure was during those initial hours spent helplessly stuck in gridlocked traffic as the world gradually disappeared into layers of thick, orange smoke and then finally into complete darkness. The sky ultimately became as black as night in the late morning hours, when it should have been a bright, sunny day. A myriad of headlights and taillights glowed all around me, while the wind whipped pieces of branches against my windshield and tall trees swayed in the high winds overhead. As traffic inched along in agonizingly infrequent spurts, buildings consumed by flames came into view in every direction, each one a home or a business that was obviously a complete loss. The entire area looked downright apocalyptic. For most of the morning, I was very clearly in grave danger, and there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it.
The entire period of time that I spent evacuating the town of Paradise lasted about three hours, but it seemed like an eternal nightmare. There was an enormous shift in my consciousness when I emerged out from under the miles of black clouds and saw blue above me at long last; it was a moment of distinct relief combined with the horrific realization of just how massive and catastrophic the wildfire had become.
One Week Earlier
November 1 was a day that I had worked towards for years. After living in a 300-square-foot converted garage in Berkeley for a full decade, I was finally loading up a U-Haul truck to begin a new life in a comfortable home. Preparing to move all on my own had been a monumental task, especially while trying to get everything packed inside of such a tiny space. The cramped “cottage” had to serve as both a home and an office when I was between trips in the United States, and it had grown so crowded with office and outdoors equipment that it was not possible to cross from one side to the other without stepping over suitcases and piles of camping gear. Preparing the contents of the cottage for moving pushed the situation there into the realm of sheer absurdity, with towers of boxes jutting toward the ceiling from whatever little nooks and crannies might allow a thin woman to squeeze through in order to move around. The place looked ridiculous, but I was giddy with excitement knowing that a spacious house awaited me on the other end.
Moving Day ended with me sleeping on the floor of my new home in Paradise, a final night of discomfort before my new bed would be delivered the following day. I had camped on that floor previously for about a week after first gaining access in mid-October, using my sleeping bag and a camping mattress in an otherwise empty house long enough to get each room measured for the most essential furniture orders. The few items of furniture that I had in my old cottage were at best embarrassingly shabby, and at worst were held together by duct tape, so I resolved to fill the new house almost entirely with new acquisitions, whatever items could be delivered to me quickly.
As a bonafide workaholic, what mattered to me most was creating a space that would allow me to take my career to the next level, to better serve my students, and to unlock whatever higher creative potential I held that might blossom in a more efficient and inspiring workspace. Since I would be living alone in the house, I planned to furnish each room with my professional and artistic goals in mind. Finally, I would have space to produce educational videos and to have efficient access to my photography library for researching and writing books. I would have plenty of room for printing my photographs and for preparing the prints to send to customers and to hang in exhibitions. Even better, I would have an inspiring view outside every window to put wind in the sails of my creative efforts. Situated near the edge of Lassen National Forest, Paradise was surrounded by stunning scenery that was a continuation of the volcanic geology of the Cascadia region. My home in particular was perched on a volcanic butte with a panoramic view of undeveloped wilderness, a densely vegetated series of canyons with rivers running through them that captured my heart at first sight. Everything about this move was going to be an investment in my future, allowing me to spend more time on important creative projects rather than traveling nearly 300 days per year just to earn my living.
The first (and only) week of being moved into my new home was a flurry of shopping, assembling, unpacking, and setting up—all done as quickly as possible so that I could get back to running my business and living my life. I bought new appliances, crockery, cutlery, bath towels, carpets, networking and home audio electronics, a patio set, bedding, lights, bathroom accessories, wastebaskets, cleaning products, a surveillance camera, tools, organizers, and countless other odds and ends that complete a home. And, of course, I filled the house with all of the furnishings that I would need to transform each of the home’s five main rooms into functional spaces. I had been saving and planning for years to make this move, and I was not going to waste any time in reaching the finish line. If I could get it all done quickly enough, then I would have the final three weeks of November to enjoy my new home and office before hitting the road again for months of workshops and other engagements.
After a marathon of shopping, assembling furniture, and taking carloads of packing material to the recycling center, it was time for a celebration. On the evening of November 7, I threw open the doors of my dedicated gear closet and pulled out my camera backpack with a little squeal of excitement. In the old cottage I had no closets at all, and now I had so many closets that I could dedicate each one to perfect organizational themes—the formerly repressed neat freak in me was utterly euphoric. It was already late in the afternoon that day, and sunset was less than an hour away, but there was a great viewpoint into the canyon behind the house that I could reach in about ten minutes. Arriving with plenty of time to set up, I photographed the last of the golden hour light raking through the steep terraces of beautiful trees and then turned my camera towards the layers of backlit volcanic buttes at sunset. Finally, after losing weeks of time to the move, I was getting a taste of being a photographer again.
I packed up my U-Haul truck and moved to Paradise on November 1.
My 300-square-foot “cottage” in Berkeley was already unbearably cramped even before I started packing things into boxes.
The kitchen in my Berkeley cottage left a lot to be desired.
My new kitchen in Paradise had a stunning, panoramic view and all of the conveniences that I had been craving for years.
My new office in Paradise was coming along nicely. I had a small couch on order and still needed to get my printers set up, but the office was mostly functional by the evening of November 7.
The Red Dawn
A view through the louvers of my bedroom window on the morning of November 8. At the time I thought I was seeing the colors of a beautiful sunrise.
The view from my back porch on the morning of November 8 featured the most surreal red light that I have ever seen.
Not knowing that this red light was due to fire ravaging my town, I thought that it was quite beautiful.
On the morning of November 8, I awoke in a state of pure bliss. It was going to be the first day of living normally in the new house, with everything unpacked and in place, aside from a few minor items that were still yet to be delivered. A small couch for my office, a lamp for my living room, and a duvet cover were all due for delivery in the coming days, but the house was more or less furnished and fully functional. I could now take inventory of my many new personal belongings, research my options for insuring it all, and then take care of loose ends such as making my new address known to everyone who needed it, including the company that was already insuring my photography gear.
Most important to me, however, was what I had planned to follow this initial morning of busywork: getting back to my photography business. I was woefully behind on all things related to my work due to the lengthy process of securing the house and moving. November was already likely too late in the year to start listing and promoting all of the remaining workshops that I had hoped to offer, but if so, at least I was now set up with a proper space for producing videos and books that could compensate for any lost income.
Before climbing out of bed on what would be my final morning in the house, I took a moment to reflect on my new situation and the incredible potential that it held for me. I first checked my phone for messages and ticked off my daily morning reminder that reads, “Health, Accomplishment, Service.” Those three words greet me every morning as a reminder of my core values. Feeling inspired, I reflected on how this new situation would enable me to pursue each of those values more fully than ever. I distinctly remember looking around the new bedroom with an immense sense of satisfaction and excitement, and then closing my eyes, stretching out my limbs, and relishing the sensation of sinking into the memory foam of my new mattress. No more lumpy, thirdhand futon mattress for me! This was heaven! I took a deep breath and opened my eyes again.
This time the room looked different. The most exquisite, intense, pink-red light was suddenly beaming through the louvers of the bedroom window and reflecting off of the shiny surface of a dresser beneath it. After gasping in awe at this impressive development, I snatched my phone up off of the nightstand to snap a photo through the window. I then went straight to the kitchen, where I kept a real camera handy on a countertop. What a glorious sunrise, I thought. I had not lived in Paradise long enough to know what quality of clouds and light could develop there, so it was an exciting chance to get outside and watch the sky in action. Shuffling out onto the porch in my slippers, I marveled at the vibrant colors of an incredibly low cloud right in front of the house. After photographing the scene and recording a quick video of it, I went back inside to start some coffee brewing and to boil an egg.
Some minutes passed before I headed to the bathroom and noticed that the intense red light was as strong as ever in there as well, reflecting brightly off of the shiny painted louvers and faux marble countertop. I was impressed that the colorful light was not yet waning as the sun rose, so I went back outside with my camera. I began a new video from my front porch just as the neighbor across the street started backing out of her driveway, presumably on her way to work. When she reached the street, she rolled down her window and shouted to her husband who had come outside to collect the newspaper.
“Honey, just so you know, there’s a lot of fire smoke out here. It doesn’t look good.”
Fire smoke?! What makes her think that this beautiful sunrise is fire smoke?! That cloud is gorgeous! Filled with denial, I went back inside and decided to do a quick search on the internet just to be prudent. At that moment, a text came in from my landlady, Laura, who lived in a separate unit on the property. She communicated what my quick search had confirmed, that there was a small wildfire to the north of us. She added that there was no evacuation advisory for our zone, and so long as we kept the windows shut to keep out the smoke, then we should be fine.
As the World Burns
The initial report online described the fire as being thirty miles away and only ten acres in size, but when I checked a second time just minutes later, the fire was already at the edge of my town. I now know that the fire tore across the region at a rate of a half mile per minute, and that it probably consumed my house not long after I evacuated—but at the time I was in staunch denial that it would ever reach my new home in Paradise.
The idea of packing up any substantial amount of my belongings for an evacuation was inconceivable after just having spent a full week unpacking and getting the house in order. Optimism ruled my mind. As the text conversation with Laura continued, I took to heart every bit of positivity that she had to offer. She made two calls to the town of Paradise, about fifty minutes apart, and each time she was told that our zone was not under evacuation. When she reported back about the second call, she related a town official’s assertion that the sheriff was “causing a problem” by recommending evacuation, reportedly because mass evacuation would risk unnecessary gridlock for the people who really did need to get out of town. Laura also assured me repeatedly that our house was on the safe side of Paradise, where fires never reach. Indeed, there were homes in our neighborhood that were built in the 1950s, and our property dated to 1975. We had good reason to believe that we were safe, but I did set a few partially packed bags by the front door just in case we got an official evacuation message.
Laura and I conversed with text messages for a total of about one hour and forty-five minutes, sharing information and considering whether or not to evacuate. The last message that morning was from me at 9:32 a.m., saying, “Hmm. Tough one. I have so much work to do.”
A few minutes later, our neighbor called Laura with the message to “Get out now!” He had driven off a few blocks to do some investigative scouting and had spotted flames, so he shot straight back, insisting that we needed to evacuate immediately. This time she contacted me with a phone call rather than a text to express the urgency of the situation. Suddenly, I had no time to think, to pack, or to notify, but I tried to do all three at once. I dashed into my office and hastily fired off a few emails. I was scheduled to be interviewed by two different podcast shows, one interview planned for that afternoon and one for the next morning, so I wrote to postpone both of them and also to reschedule a telephone meeting with one of my sponsors. Before leaving the office, I unplugged a back-up hard drive and took it with me. I then went to where I had my favorite jewelry all laid out neatly in a drawer and randomly removed a few items close to the front. I went to my ‘Gear Room’ and stared dumbfounded into the closet that held my collection of down jackets, Gore-Tex layers, and fleece jackets. I might need a warm fleece as an evacuee, I thought. I grabbed one to wear.
When I drove away from the house, I had the clothes on my back, my camera backpack, my laptop, and two overnight bags, both of which had room to spare inside. The trunk of my car was not even half full, but the idea of dying a fiery death was distinctly unappealing, so off I went.
When I first went out front with my camera, I thought I was snapping pictures of impressive sunrise light.
A view from my back porch on the morning of November 8. It was clear at this point that I was in danger.
Out of the Fire and into the Frying Pan
A view through the window of my hotel room at Oxford Suites in Chico.
This is a still from a video shot from a doorway of the breakfast room in the Oxford Suites in Chico at about 9:00am on November 9, when it should have been a bright, sunny day.
Three hours elapsed as I traveled 15 miles through a seemingly endless inferno and finally reached Chico, a drive that ordinarily would take no more than 25 minutes. Laura had left home shortly after I did, but she managed to get out of town in a little more than an hour and quickly secured what was apparently the last hotel room in Chico. She had guessed rightly that a car heading in the ‘wrong’ direction to leave our neighborhood would lead her through the one maze-like route out of town along backroads, and they made it out before the worst of the gridlock had developed. After making a wrong turn one day, I had discovered that route, so the option of evacuating through it had come to mind when I departed. I decided to play it safe, however, and I opted to take the main roads out of town instead. In retrospect, I’m fairly certain that the window of opportunity for the back route was very narrow before that side of our butte was engulfed by fire, and I’m glad that I didn’t try to navigate on my own through a maze of little avenues while fire was enveloping the area.
After Laura had checked into her hotel room, she called me with an invitation to join her there. The room had two beds, she had it reserved for three nights, and I was very welcome to share it with her, she said. Stuck in traffic without any plan of my own, I accepted. Soon after she called, all phone and data connections went down, surely due to nearby towers succumbing to the wildfire. The ensuing hours of darkness were even more worrisome with a communication blackout leaving me unable to receive or to share information, and I was unable to find any radio stations that were covering anything except politics.
As I rolled into Chico at long last, my phone and iPad regained their signals. Messages and calls started coming in from worried relatives, and I gave what quick assurance I could that I was unharmed. The scene at the Oxford Suites was surreal. Displaced residents of Paradise filled the common areas, most of them glued to the many large television screens mounted in each corner of the restaurant and bar. The hotel’s employees seemed genuinely empathetic and had ordered in piles of complimentary pizzas, along with cookies and drinks. They had also reached out to people who had reserved rooms prior to that day to request cancellations in order to accommodate more evacuees. As someone who spends the majority of each year in hotel rooms, I was both impressed and touched by this hotel’s thoughtful and timely response to the crisis. I have no affiliation with Oxford Suites at all and had never even heard of the chain before November 8, but I hope that anyone reading this story will consider sending business their way.
Laura and I were both still tense and trembling when we met at the hotel. We reeked of smoke, and our eyes burned, but we were very happy to be alive and decided to sedate ourselves with some dinner and drinks. We walked across the street to a restaurant where we took stock of our reasons for being optimistic about the house: it was on a ridge high above town; the lawns had been watered thoroughly just the day before; the wind was blowing more south than west; and we had heaps of good will between us to convince the universe to be merciful. The house would be fine, we concluded. It might have some smoke damage, and our town might be missing a lot of stores for a while, but really all we needed were our utilities and basic services. Soon enough, the town would be back to normal again, surely.
As we finished our meal, a man in a booth opposite us erupted into a profanity-laced tirade upon being asked to pay his bill. We later learned that he had been sitting in that booth for four hours after escaping from his home in Paradise. He had no credit cards with him, so he was waiting for his wife who had evacuated in a separate vehicle. It was now well after dark, and he still hadn’t heard from her. Clearly the poor man had exceeded his stress threshold and was inconsolable.
Upon exiting the restaurant, we were reunited with the intense stench of smoke outside, now even stronger than ever. Worse still, the news stations had just announced evacuations reaching all the way to Chico, and on precisely the side of town where we had taken refuge. The fire was still growing! The hotel’s front desk confirmed that the area of our hotel was under an evacuation recommendation, but it was not yet an order, and they would sound the fire alarm if evacuation became mandatory. Exhausted and slightly tipsy from the wine that we had with dinner, Laura and I weighed our options. We started calling hotels as far as three hours away, only to learn that everything was completely full. Should we evacuate again and drive four or more hours away? At night? After having been drinking? We decided to try sleeping for a while but first prepared our suitcases for a speedy evacuation in the event that the hotel’s alarm sounded.
Nightmares tormented me most of that night as I attempted to sleep, stewing in the same, smoke-infused clothes that I had been wearing since I left the house. I did eventually fall into a deep slumber and was surprised to see that it was nearly 8:00 am when I awoke the next morning. Laura had gone down to breakfast, so I trudged over to the window to open the thick blackout curtains that are so typical of hotel rooms. Out of habit, I averted my eyes to avoid the usual blast of light that fills a room when opening heavy draperies. I grasped a curtain rod in each hand and spread the curtains wide open, but there was no sudden flood of bright light. On the contrary, the world outside was a nebulous pall of thick, orange smoke so dark that all of the street lamps and security lights were on. It was about then that Laura returned to the room to say goodbye. It was time to evacuate again.
My second evacuation in two days had me driving through this surreal mass of smoke engulfing the city of Chico. This video was shot in the middle of the morning, when it should have been a bright, sunny day.
The Darkest Hours
On November 10, I awoke in my mother’s guest room groggily trying to remember where I was. A furry throw pillow on the bed had a soft texture similar to the pillows that I had just purchased for my new couch, and the sensation of that fabric against my arm gave me a brief moment of comfort in thinking that I was back in my home again. Then consciousness fell over me, and a new waking nightmare commenced. For the third day in a row, I put on the same set of clothes, still reeking of smoke. Yearning badly for my awesome new home, I felt robbed that I couldn’t just plop down in my office chair and go through my usual morning ritual of sipping coffee while answering emails and preparing to be productive.
The next four days of waiting for information about the house were nothing short of agony. Each hour seemed to bring news of a higher death toll, more destroyed homes, more acres burning, and more towns threatened. My optimistic outlook was under assault from every direction, making each waking minute a constant struggle to stave off thoughts of financial ruin. I refused to accept the distinct possibility that I had just lost everything and immediately protested a GoFundMe campaign launched by Nancy Holsten, an incredibly kind and well-meaning supporter who wanted to get aid to me right away. I made a public statement that I was remaining hopeful about my house and asked everyone to give their donations to the people who knew for certain that they had lost their homes. As far as I knew, I still had a home, and I needed to believe that it had been spared. Nonetheless, goodhearted supporters continued to share the campaign, and I soon gave up on the whack-a-mole project of stopping it. I felt trapped between hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, painfully aware that each possible outcome would require a completely different approach going forward. I desperately wanted to know which direction it would be.
As the days dragged on without any concrete information, I grew fearful of each new message that I received, worried that it might contain news that would give fuel to my worst fears—or worse still, that it might confirm them. Hundreds of emails and private messages were pouring in from concerned family members, friends, colleagues, and supporters, and most of them piled up in my inboxes. I was without a good internet connection, so opening a message was usually a lengthy process of waiting for it to load, making simple communication both time-consuming and frustrating. Moreover, the added paranoia of receiving bad news caused me to be even less inclined to endure the long waits.
Ultimately, my positive resolve eroded completely, and I had descended into the depths of utter despondency by November 13. As dark as those hours had been under the fire’s black cloak, this period was far darker. The bleakest space in the world is that hopeless realm where dreams go to die, where the soul feels broken, and light completely fails to penetrate the dense walls of misery. My mind’s demons had dragged me into that space as I realized one piece at a time just how much I had to lose. It was not simply material possessions and sentimental items that hung in the balance; it was my very identity and my hard-won career as a landscape photographer. For better or worse, my career is my life. Creating photographs, along with teaching, writing, and speaking about the art of landscape photography is what gets me out of bed each morning eager to begin the day. Landscape photography is the oxygen that I breathe.
My new home and office in Paradise amounted to a massive investment in my goals, all made possible by the fruits of my labors over the previous fourteen years. In 2004 I had willingly divested myself of most of my worldly possessions, leaving a beautiful house in the Bay Area that was full of nice furniture and belongings in an effort to escape an unhappy life. I left that situation with three suitcases of clothes, emboldened by romantic ideas about freedom and self-discovery. What I found was just how challenging it is to move forward when your standard of living has been reduced dramatically. I suffered a huge loss in dignity as I took up residence in one depressing space after another, going from a dreary studio apartment with cinderblock walls, to a minuscule room in a house where I caught the owner trying to spy on me in the shower, to an attic room that I had to reach by climbing a ladder, and finally to the “cottage.” The latter move was a big improvement over the previous ones, but it left me feeling like a potted plant that needed more room to grow.
Fourteen years after voluntarily eschewing a comfortable life, I had finally built myself back up again to where I could live a life of choice rather than of necessity. And then? Could everything that I had worked so hard to achieve through all of those years really be taken away from me in a single day? Not possible! Maybe possible? Quite probable? No, not possible! Possible. Probable. Very, very probable. The mental torment was maddening.
This is a recent update of the structure status maintained by CalFire, but it was an agonizing ordeal waiting for official news of my house to appear on the map.
Gone with the Wind
The status of my house turned out to be the worst-case scenario. My home, office, and everything inside was completely destroyed.
By November 14, the winds had died down, and a large area of the fire had been contained. Thousands of acres were still burning, but Paradise had stabilized enough for emergency crews to make substantial progress in surveying the damage there. I awoke exhausted from one of the worst nights of my life, succumbing hard to an extreme bout of anxiety about the fate of my home, its contents, and my life. Before I had even swung one leg out of bed that morning, I heard the sound of an incoming text message on my phone, and I felt a wave of nausea come over me in apprehension of what the message might say. And indeed, this was the message that I had most feared receiving. It was Laura.
“Erin, I am sorry, but the house was destroyed. I got the news from a neighbor. Sending you hugs.”
The protective mechanisms of shock took over to induce complete numbness long enough for me to reach my mother’s living room, where I sat quietly on her couch and stared at the wall. She walked past, and I calmly told her the news. Then she sat down beside me, took me in her arms, and we wept together.
My beautiful neighborhood and the canyon behind it are now a wasteland.
My six Photo Cascadia teammates were a source of great support from the very beginning of this disaster.
We are Everywhere
At the time of writing this story, three weeks after the fire broke out, I am still deeply mired in complications related to losing my home and everything in it. I am still unsure how much my income will suffer from lost time and lost resources, and I have absolutely no idea where or when I will be able to find a new home. By any measure, I am still in the beginning stages of this crisis, but already there are many reasons for me to be hopeful.
From the very beginning of this ordeal, I have gained great strength from the countless people who have reached out to express concern, to share kind words, and to offer support. Some of those people are family and good friends, but many know me only from my photography. Messages started coming in from worried photographers before I had even left Chico, and they are still coming in regularly more than three weeks later. If ever anyone needed proof that the photography community can rally around one of its own in a time of crisis, I can certainly provide it.
One of the greatest sources of support for me has been the Photo Cascadia team. My six teammates are like brothers to me, and I have turned to them repeatedly for guidance in my lowest moments. After they learned that my house had indeed been destroyed, they offered to start a second GoFundMe campaign, one that would have a greater chance of reaching people due to the team’s high profile. I originally balked at the idea, saying that my losses greatly exceeded what I imagined those sorts of campaigns to be capable of accomplishing. To my great surprise, the campaign is nearly halfway to its goal of replacing my lost possessions, and I have been overwhelmed by the incredible generosity and kind messages coming from the people who are donating.
More astonishing proof of the photography community’s superpowers came about through a heroic mission to unite me with my mail. As the town of Paradise now lies in waste, all mail for its residents is being rerouted to a post office in Chico, which is nearly a 14-hour round trip away from my current location and is in the opposite direction from my upcoming workshop. With each day already full of frustrating and draining tasks, the prospect of having to make that trip solely to collect my mail was truly overwhelming. A substantial check in payment for an appearance that I made over the summer was among the items of mail languishing in Chico, and I could not afford to let it get away from me. When my friend Scotty Perkins asked if he could be helpful in any way, I wondered aloud if he might have any ideas for resolving my mail dilemma. Lo and behold, he somehow connected with a private pilot from the Bay Area who was willing to fly to Chico on a stormy day to collect my mail and forward it on to me, all out of the good nature of his heart. Thank you, Scotty and Sean Todd for being the exceptional human beings that you are.
Further proof comes from the fifty or more people who reached out to offer temporary accommodation as I try to regain stability in my life. Another half-dozen people have sent donations in the mail to my mother’s home, and the women’s landscape photography group that I founded got together to organize a clothing drive. In addition, I have received numerous kind messages from the good people at Canon USA who each reached out independently to let me know that they were there for me. “Your Canon family is here to help however we can,” one of them wrote.
A very unexpected moment of encouragement came one day when I was calling retailers regarding purchased items that I never received, all items that were in limbo with various shipping carriers because the delivery address had ceased to exist. Some large items such as a couch and a lamp were among those showing as having shipped, and I had been charged for them. Of course, being newly homeless, I had nowhere to put those items even if they could be delivered somewhere. Calling one company after another revealed a distinct pattern of customer support, where each representative would follow some approved script in robotic fashion, often without even acknowledging the tragedy of my situation after I explained it. Therefore, I was very surprised when a call to the main 800-number for Amazon.com’s call center ended on a very heartening note. After the usual impersonal exchange of information, the Amazon representative asked if there was anything more that he could do for me, a typical question. I replied, “Not today, thank you,” and then he had one more bit to add.
“And one more thing, if I may say so, ma’am. I’m a big fan of your photography.”
We are everywhere.
Thanking all of the incredibly kind people who are supporting me seems impossible, but I am trying.
Among the many stressful complications of losing everything is the simple issue of getting mail. Because I had just moved, I was receiving updates from USPS Informed Delivery and knew that some important items, including a check for a substantial amount of money, were frustratingly far away from me.
I lost a total of four on-site back-up drives in the fire, in addition to my desktop computer and my main working drive. I also have just as many off-site drives, but they haven’t been updated since mid-August. Thankfully, I had all current files backed up through the Backblaze service, so I have not lost any images or data due to the fire.
Coda
To each of you who has reached out or has helped in any way: thank you. Those of you who sent messages knew that you would be unlikely to receive any reply, but you sent kind words nonetheless simply out of care and concern. Those of you who are generously donating to help restore some of what I lost are giving me a new lease on life. Those of you who have been sharing posts on social media to be supportive are paving my road to recovery. Those of you who have helped in a variety of generous, selfless, and compassionate ways: you know who you are—and so do I, and I will never forget it.
I would also like to thank the many first responders who risked their lives to assist in the evacuation efforts. The responder directing traffic in shorts and a face mask at the intersection of Oliver and Skyway, who stood exposed and vulnerable as the fire consumed Paradise, will always have a special place in my memory. Equally special in my mind are the numerous residents of Paradise I met who, without exception, all seemed delighted to welcome a newcomer to their town. Please know that I mourn your losses of loved ones, pets, and properties. Paradise was extra special because of the many good people who called it home.
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Erin you have been in my thoughts and prayers since day one. With each sunrise a new and better day begins. Hang in there, you have a wonderful support team,
What’s most important in life is still with you – your tenacity, your work ethic, your creativity, your ability to prevail through tough times. Mourning your terrific loss will take time, but I can see a spark of new creative ideas that will light up your life and the world of photography. Think about you often. Take good care of yourself.
Erin, keep up the good work! Please let me know if you need any help, and would love to grab a coffee with you whenever you are available.
Best wishes.
Dear Erin,
Your story is a living nightmare! I can’t even begin to imagine what you have gone through!
I wish you (and all the other victims of the fires) lots of strength and courage to work things out and to get back on your feet again. You are obviously a very strong person.
Best wishes also for 2019
Wilma
I can only hope that this ordeal and loss will be followed by you being the object of loving kindness and compassion in an even greater measure.
So glad to see you recovering from this harrowing experience Erin.
Wish you the very best in your future endeavors. I have no doubt your resilience and diligence will bring you immense success.
Sis – what an absolutely beautifully told story of your amazing experience. I’m so thankful you’re alive. Such a heartbreaking and emotional roller coaster of unknowns completely out of your control. I admire your strength and ability to remain calm and positive in such a horrific situation. We love you and are here to support you in any way we can. I’m confident you will be successful in moving past this tragedy and continue to be an inspiration to all of us.
Wow, Erin…such a harrowing experience. Thank you for sharing the story with this community. So glad you made it out physically in one piece, but so sorry you have to go through the stress, distraction, inconvenience, and effort to rebuild. You are a tenacious and incredibly capable woman and I’m confident you will find your new home/creative space soon and this experience will make you even more strong and remarkable. We’re all thinking about you and rooting for you. Please don’t be too proud to ask for support. We all want you to get back to your business of creating and teaching as soon as possible. 🙂
You are a strong woman, Erin. You’ve risen from adversity before, you’ve endured difficult living conditions, you are accustomed to creating goals and making them happen. So the groundwork is all there, even while the material goods went up in smoke. You need to give yourself a little time to rest and allow the shock and grief to work its way through your mind and body. You know now what your plan looks like when it materialized, so you won’t need another 14 years to make that work this time. Friends you didn’t even know you had are watching out for you, and will help you get there again. Godspeed.
Erin, so glad to know you are okay and with Leslie. I know she must have been unfathonably concerned until she heard from you. If you should want to photograph in Joshua Tree National Park or the Mohave Preserve, just let me know. We could park my motorhome in the campground at Blackrock and you could use it as a base of operations. I advise against any holiday weekends though. They have been closing the park on 3 day weekends because they are so crowded. Your luck has now hit the lowest spot and it will be getting better and better
So sorry for your loss Erin. I a positive note you are an amazingly talented writer. Looking for your books now.
Erin,
My heart breaks after reading your very personal account!! I am SO sorry, Erin.
For weeks, I’ve wondered where you were, how you were doing. I had gotten word from others closer to you that you were alright, physically. And that, for me, was a sigh of relief!! But at the same time, a fear came over me about what you were facing in the days and weeks to come, especially knowing that nothing had been insured yet. On top of that, being a photographer myself, the fear of losing a lifetime of work and image files made my heart sink! Gear can be replaced, but your work cannot. And I was happy to read in your touching account that your beautiful, precious work was ok!!
We have never met before. But I have been an admirer of your work for a very long time!! Like you mentioned above, the photography community it a tightly knit group. As a fan of landscape photography, your losses felt like my own!!
My prayers continue to be sent your way, Erin!! That lifetime of learning those survival skills will get you thru the weeks and months to come!! In due time, you’ll look back on this as another experience that makes you even stronger than before!! I know it in my heart!!
I WILL see you in a future workshop of yours. And when we first meet, I hope you allow me to give you one big hug from my heart!! Keep being strong, Erin!!
Carl Gandolfo
I have always been inspired by your work and after reading your story of survival and strength, my respect for you has grown even more. I am sure that your resilience, determination and hard work will get you back on your feet pretty soon, no doubt about it!
I’ve been following your story Erin, and read all the comments that others wrote. I didn’t write anything, mainly because I was shocked, speechless, and didn’t know how to express my feelings. It is a horrible thing what happened to you and to all the other people in that town, no one should live such moments. I admire how strong you are after all that you’ve been through, and after losing almost everything, but like someone else wrote above, I too believe that you still have left the most important things, which will only make you better and stronger in the end.
Your name has been a constant in our home since the fires. Please know that my wife, kids, & I would be honored to have you in our home if travels take you to the Atlanta area. I love you.
Sorry that you and your community lost so much to have the integrity to Photo document it as well is inspiring to us all all the best luck for the future
Erin, you have been in my thoughts and prayers since I heard about the fire. I am hoping life returns to normal quickly for you! I know how much you thrive on teaching and just being in the wilderness and I hope that provides some comfort for you this year.
Dear Erin,
I was in your Death Valley program last February, and joined you for dinner after the program ended. You are a terrific teacher and an impressive person.
My eyes teared as I read your eloquent message. It has offered a very personal view that the news cannot. You have been in my thoughts daily, and I can see that I should revisit your GoFunFundMe.
Recall how I said you are an impressive person? All of the support coming your way is a measure of that and underlines my certainty that you will recover and thrive. You have a true gift for art and teaching.
Thank you for sharing. Hugs for you.
Erin,
You have been in my thoughts so often. I asmore your bravery and courage to not only do what you needed to do to increase your odds of surviving (how scary it must have been making that drive), but also to take your emotions and somehow write about your ordeal so eloquently. That takes beautiful strength. I am sure it was also helpful in that it allowed you to process what happened to you and cathartic in some ways, too.
I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and send you strength, hope and admiration for your bravery and all that you will experience in this next phase. I truly feel for you and hope that the universe shows you grace and beautiful light in the months ahead. You certainly deserve it.
Erin
I am in awe for you to have the bravery and courage to share your story. I look up to you and what you have had to go through is tragic. I hope we can continue to support you and lift you back above and beyond where things left off and I look forward to see you progress far beyond the current struggles.
Erin,
So glad you came out of this safely. I know it was traumatic but there is no doubt you will rise from this, wiser, stronger, better…the fire may have slowed you down, but your dreams and ambitions are alive and well! The GoFundMe campaign by Zach was easy to find and I personally think anyone who has enjoyed your photographs, or listened to any of your presentations over the years should consider supporting your recovery in some way. It feels good and right to help one of our own. And one day, when you are back on your feet, I look forward to seeing you on one of your workshops. Be well!
Erin, Sorry for all your loss but I’m glad to hear you are physically OK. Thanks for sharing your story, take care!
Dear Erin,
We know each other only briefly, and only through social media, but your story above is one that not a single soul could read and not feel as if they were sitting across from you chatting over a cup of coffee. Not having lived through such a tragedy, there is simply no way I could even understand fully what you have been through, and will continue to battle back from. Again, your story above has brought the reality of the situation much closer to a full-understanding than I would have had otherwise.
What I DO know, however, is that your drive as a photographer—as an artist—is one that I can relate to well. It is this drive that will pull you through, if nothing else, and will continue to give you strength as you rebuild. Your imagery, your podcasts, your teachings, and your drive are all very inspiring to say the least. I’m so happy to know that the photographic community is stepping up for you when you have stepped up for them on so many levels. We spend our lives capturing moments in fractions of seconds, yet the reality is these moments can be far more than fractions of impact. My thoughts are with you. The photographic community’s thoughts are with you!
Through social media I’ve followed you and very much admired your work, your creativity, determination, skill, knowledge, writings, and your spirit comes through loud and clear. And now I will tell you that old saying, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Which isn’t very comforting nor helpful! You will come through this horror and loss, and in some way, some how, it will add to your sense of self, and I know you will recover with love and grace. We can replace things. But we cannot replace YOU.
Erin,
Thank you for taking the time to write about the horrific order that you have gone through. So often we see or hear of such terrible disasters but it doesn’t sink in how this has affected someone until you hear about it from someone you know. I have never been to one of your workshops but have admired your work and have been following your writings in Photo Cascadia. One day I hope to be able to attend one and meet you. Till then keep shooting and writing.
I am glad that you you were not injured. Your resilience and determination is evident in what you write and will bring you through this.
Hi Erin,
thank you for sharing you story in this time of sadness and hardship.
Take care and chip up.
Thank you for sharing your gripping story, Erin, with its emphasis on the fragility of life, unknowability of the future and power of nature. It takes a village, and with your determination and the support of your ever-growing community one hopes you will be back to where you want to be soon.
Erin,
I cannot even start to imagine what it was like for you. First, let me say that I am so glad that you did not get hurt during your horrible ordeal. After reading your remarkable survival story, I find it very surprising as to how strong you are. Through (what I hope) is the worst thing that you ever have to endure, you have showed us strength within yourself. You are indeed a lot stronger than you know. We all are. I will continue to pray for you and for California. Please know that better days are coming. I hope that one day we will get a chance to meet each other. Maybe I will be able to attend one of your photo workshops. I am a landscape photographer too. God Bless and stay safe! Please reach out if you need anything. I will do what I can to help.
Erin: We have admired the work of you and the Photo Cascadia team for some time now. I was surprised to learn that you lived in Paradise. From your photos, it appears we may have even lived close by. (Valley View Drive). We are so saddened by the immense amount of loss and heartache associated with this fire. Please know we wish you only the best.
Please also know it’s been healing to read your continued accounts of the experience. We hope you will consider staying in the area. Get back to nature as soon as you can. It will provide the ultimate healing. Be well,
Julie G.
You’ve been through an ordeal I can barely imagine. But as the survivor of my own personal ordeal, (cancer), I can tell you that in the days that come you will begin to see how wonderful and caring people can be. If you watch the news, it’s easy to think that this world is an awful place but it’s not. There is a tremendous amount of amazing people. Because of your experience, you will see everything in a whole new way. It’s a wonderful new awareness. I am grateful for my brush with cancer, otherwise I would have lived my life without ever have known or fully appreciated this new awareness. I betcha in time, you will too. Hang in there!
Hi Erin. I just saw your mention of this article on the Working Photographers group on FB. This experience sounds truly heart-breaking but you’ve done an incredible job at documenting your personal situation. I’m glad you have your health, hopefully the rest will sort itself out over time.
I just read your story, quite an ordeal! I lost my studio in a fire with two of my original oil paintings, photo’s, 4 hard drives full of photo’s(without backup), cases of picture frames, my library and my treasured chess board that my Uncle Harvey taught me how to play on which he left me in his will. I was reminded of a scripture by someone to rejoice in my sufferings! I didn’t care for that, although since I have become more in tune with my creator, and realize that is worth more than all of my stuff. I pray that you may recover quickly.
Dear Erin,
Thank you for sharing your story!! I wish I had had the foresight to look for it earlier…the Alameda Photographic Society members have been agonizing over your losses and recall with gratitude your meetings with us over the years. I deeply admire the path you have chosen as an artist AND a communicator to bring beauty to our lives in your special package of caring and selflessness!
I fervently hope you will be able to find satisfactory interim living arrangements, that your tours will be able to go on as planned, and I will be able to join you briefly in Death Valley in March.
Dear Erin, so very sorry for your losses and the horrifying experience you recounted here! wow, wow, wow. Who ever knows how our lives can be changed in an instant, eh? It was terribly unsettling to read this and know what you are going through.
I truly hope that you will find housing and get back on your feet and back to your achieving your goals – the world needs your art, and you! My heart goes out to you.
Love you Erin and your enormous spirit and heart! We will welcome you in Southern Oregon if you wish to settle here.
Erin,I sometimes feel as if I am a one-trick pony. As you mentioned,photography seems to be my lifeblood as well. I much appreciated your comments on how you relate to your work. It puts me in mind,however,of some thoughts concerning your losses.Beyond equipment,beyond images,what makes you the artist you are is what you carry inside of you.You are blessed,or cursed,with that persistent Muse that will sometimes keep you awake at night. Not to diminish what has happened to you, you have those Creative seeds that in time will germinate and bloom. Bless you and best wishes on your new journey. Sincerely, Steve Napoli
Dear Erin, I’m just learning of the harrowing experience that you’ve been through, and my heart goes out to you. I believe that your spirit and resilience, along with the care and support of your friends and community, will continue to bring you strength and inspiration in the days ahead. My very best wishes to you on your journey,
Mary